Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Can you bring me the toilet please
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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