Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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