Moan for me like Helen Keller
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
