I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
