You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
