Got a toothbrush?
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
