I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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