Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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