I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
he high fived his dick after we had sex
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
