Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
