So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
