ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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