This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
