i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
