Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Randomize
