I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
