I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
