The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
