Moan for me like Helen Keller
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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