I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
