question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
there is puke in my bra ... again
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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