guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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