i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
it hurts more in the daytime
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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