Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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