my vag is so smooth its legendary
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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