Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
two words...techno handjob
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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