I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
