I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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