my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
