im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
