I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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