He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
