there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
