WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
