I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
