So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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