I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
