you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I believe in your delicious
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
