I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
