my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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