i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
