Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
