when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Panties = found
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize