It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
