my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
