He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
