This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
