the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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