one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
