508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
