hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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