areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
