the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
