He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
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