No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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